Ebon's Big Surprise
by Red Witch
Summary: Ebon learns the hard way that it's not a good idea for Metahumans to drink chemicals they don't understand.


**I don't own any Static Shock characters. This is just a crazy fic that came out of my head. Like any other kind comes out of it. Takes place before 'No Man is an Island.' **

Ebon's Big Surprise

"Sheesh how many chemicals do we need down here?" Shiv grumbled as he put down the last barrel in the Metabreed's underground headquarters. 

"Who cares as long as there's a payoff," Hotstreak snapped. He had been roped into Ebon's latest scheme for power. Mostly because he was bored and there was nothing better to do. "So what are all these chemicals for?"

"These are the keys to the city boys and girls," Ebon hissed. "This is from Alva Industries, the exact same stuff that created the Big Bang." 

"Yeah we just stole it from there," Hotstreak folded his arms. "Get to the point already!"

"With these chemicals we will become stronger than ever!" Ebon opened one and started to suck the contents into his body with his shadow powers. "Dig in!" 

"Uh no offense Ebon," Hotstreak looked at the glowing ooze. "But I think I'm pretty happy how I am now."

"Yeah boss," Talon gulped. "We don't know how that stuff is gonna effect us more. Remember Alva's kid?"

"Oh yeah that's right!" Shiv nodded. "Now he can get a job as a statute in the park!" 

"Fine losers," Ebon guzzled it down. "Have it your way. More for me! I feel it changing me already! I feel the power! The strength! I feel…" He started to gag. "Not so good…"

"Told you," Hotstreak snickered as Ebon fell backwards. "Is he dead?"

"Nah he's just out cold," Shiv poked him with an energy stick. "Wanna get a burger?"

"Yeah okay," Hotstreak shrugged as they went out for a bite to eat.

************************************************************************

Three days later Hotstreak decided to pay another visit to the Metabreed. "Okay is Ebon awake yet?" He grumbled. 

"Oh he woke up when we got back," Shiv was playing with a game boy. 

"So did he get any cool new powers to help take down Static and take over the city?" Hotstreak asked. 

"Not exactly," Talon sighed.

Ebon slunk out. His stomach looked extremely large and swollen. "Where are my Twinkies…" He growled. "Where are my garlic deep fried Twinkies? Who ate all my garlic deep fried Twinkies?"

"You did," Shiv rolled his eyes. "Duh!" 

"Oh you're right…" Ebon groaned. "Well where is the mustard then? I wanna put it on my ding dongs." He held up a package of ding-dongs. 

"Mustard on ding dongs?" Hotstreak blinked. 

"He's been acting all weird like that for days," Talon waved. "Eats the craziest things. He tried to eat a tire with hot sauce on it."

"It tasted like licorice," Ebon snapped. "What did those chemicals do to me?" 

"Boss I think you're pregnant," Shiv blinked.

"That's not funny Shiv!" Ebon roared. 

"No I'm serious," Shiv held up his hands. "You have all the symptoms. Strange cravings, your body's swollen, and you have been pretty moody lately."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT YOU INSANE FREAK!" Ebon grabbed Shiv with his shadow and shook him violently. Then he dropped him. "Oh man…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that? Why do I lose my temper like that? Why? Why?" He started to sob. "I'm a horrible person. I'm…WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?" 

"Oh man Shiv I think you're right," Talon gasped. "He is pregnant!" 

"I am?" Shiv yelped. "Oh man, things are not good when I'm making sense!" 

"Believe me Shiv," Talon moaned. "We're all worried when you do that!"

"**This** is why I don't hang with you guys more often," Hotstreak groaned. "I told you drinking all those chemicals was a bad idea!" 

"Hold on a second!" Ebon shouted. "There is no way in hell that I can be pregnant! I'm a guy for crying out loud!"

"Uh actually you're a shadow guy boss," Shiv pointed out. "And with all that stuff in your system who knows what it would do." 

"Well what the hell am I gonna do?" Ebon shouted.

"Yeah this isn't exactly the best environment for a child," Shiv looked around. "You have to get a crib. Oh and you have to start a college fund. And you'd better get some preschool applications. It's never too early to get a head start!" 

"NOT ABOUT THAT YOU MORON!" Ebon shouted. "I gotta find out what's wrong with me!"

"That could take years," Hotstreak snickered.

"Don't start with me homeboy," Ebon snarled. "Don't…Ow!" He doubled over. 

"What?" Talon looked at him. "What's wrong?"

"I think I just felt a kick…" Ebon groaned. "I don't believe this!"

"Well look at the bright side Ebon," Shiv shrugged. "This is one way to get new recruits."

"THIS IS NOT THE WAY I PLANNED MORON!" Ebon shouted.

"Now, now little mother…er, father," Shiv backed off. "Mustn't get too excited. You're in a delicate condition." 

"This is not happening to me…" Ebon groaned. "This can't be happening to me!" 

"I'm glad it's not happening to me," Hotstreak said. 

"Oh shut up fire boy!" Ebon snarled. He softened. "I need a hug…" 

"There, there…" Shiv hugged him. "It's going to be okay. We can always paint the subway car. Fix it up, put in a few stuffed animals…"

"Can we get some beanie babies?" Ebon moaned. 

"Of all the things I've seen since the Big Bang this has got to be the freakiest," Hotstreak moaned. 

Suddenly there was a flash of light. Static and Rubber Band Man appeared. "I know it was you Ebon who stole those chemicals!" Rubber Band Man shouted. "You are going down brother! You are…What the heck happened to you?"

"Hey Rubber Band Man!" Shiv waved. "Great news! You're gonna be an uncle!" 

"Say what?" Static blinked.

"Ebon's pregnant," Hotstreak said sarcastically. "We're thinking of registering at JC Penny's." 

Both Static and Rubber Band Man looked at each other. "Who's the father?" Rubber Band Man gulped.

"I AM YOU IDIOT!" Ebon shouted. 

"O-Kay," Static gulped. "This is new." 

"It's all those chemicals he drank," Talon explained. "We think it did something to him."

"No really?" Ebon asked sarcastically. "I thought I got it from sitting on a toilet seat!" 

"Boss?" Shiv looked perplexed. "You don't go to the bathroom. I mean you haven't gone since you became a living shadow." 

"Okay way too much information here!" Hotstreak shouted. "Okay normally this is the part where we all have a big throwdown but considering the circumstances…" 

"OWWWW!" Ebon's body jerked violently. "Something's wrong!"

"Maybe you're going into labor?" Talon asked.

"LABOR?" Ebon shouted. "NO WAY! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GIVE BIRTH! HOW THE HELL CAN I DO THAT?"

"Well maybe its like how amoebas reproduce," Static scratched his head. "You know, split off into two or three pieces."

"NO! NO WAY!" Ebon panicked. "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!" 

"We'd better get him to the hospital," Rubber Band Man told Static.

"Oh no! No way! If people find out about this I'll never hear the end of it!" Ebon roared. There was a huge rumbling sound from his stomach. "Oh man…" 

"He's gonna blow!" Shiv shouted.

BOOOM!

Something noxious exploded from Ebon's stomach. "AAAGGHH!" Static and Rubber Band Man fled from the foul smelling fumes.

"Ohhh," Ebon panted as his stomach closed up. "I feel better now." 

"I guess it was just gas," Shiv waved his hand in front of his face. "False alarm!" 

"I've heard of false pregnancies but this is nuts!" Hotstreak groaned as he ran away from the smell.

"So much for that plan," Talon groaned. "Oh I need a shower…" 

"Don't worry honey," Shiv patted Ebon on the shoulder. "We can always try again."

**"Get out of my face you lunatic!"** Ebon screamed. 

"Geeze! Some people should never be parents anyway," Shiv flinched. 


End file.
